You know, I was the one who did it.
Who held him close & told him it was okay. That he was going to a better place, a much nicer place. A place where he would get his eye sight back! A place where he could run freely. A place much happier.
He looked at me. I knew he cannot really see me. But he looked at my direction, as if he understood me. As though, he gave in.
I knew he didn’t wanna feel so paranoid anymore. I knew he was scared.
So I held him. & comforted him while I let the doctor put him to sleep. A permanent sleep. My heart ached, my tears rolled down my eyes, my lips quivered, my voice was broken.
As his screams grew softer & softer, I knew my baby was sleeping, forever.
I kissed him goodbye. Told God to look after him properly in heaven. & told him that we love him very much.
I was there! & I never regretted it. Because I didn’t want him to take his last breath alone. I wanted him to know that mummy would be there. Till he takes his last breath. But I missed him so. & sometimes, I could still hear his screams. I could still see him look at me as though he understood what I was saying.
That’s what I’m hanging on to. My last memory of him.
I miss you, babe. I miss you laying on me while snoring. I miss your smell. I miss your barking for attention. I miss your howls when I tell you I love you. I miss you crawling to me at night & licking me before going to bed. I miss how you run, how you hop, how excited you get when there’s food, how happy you were to see me home from work. I JUST REALLY REALLY MISS YOU!
